I don’t want to wait for our lifes to be over. Paula Cole sang that once and I believe we all agree with that statement. Well, maybe not all of us. Someone who has been held captive in a cage for 50 years, only eating pictures of food that were drawn on old Fingerhut catalogues may not feel what she is singing. You wake up wanting biscuits and gravy and you get a squiggly drawling of a pot roast and a side of candy corn. Sure, it tastes pretty good, but wouldn’t you wish death on yourself if you were diabetic and you kept being forced sketches of food that are high in sugar? “JUST DRAWL ME SOME INSULIN!” you scream, but the person has held you captive is deaf. They can’t hear you and they wouldn’t even if they could. Think about that before you write another song, Paula Cole. Enjoy this interview with Dan Friesen!
Riggs: How are you?
Friesen: There are times in life when you could rightfully say that you are on top of the world. Times when your brain is firing on all cylinders, your body is in prime fighting condition, and your spirit is sharp and focused. Times when you soar with the wings of an eagle over mountain and valley, knowing that you are flying ever closer to your birthright of success beyond your wildest imaginings.
This is not one of those times.
Riggs: If you could, how would you plan your own funeral?
Friesen: I feel like me saying anything about this may be tipping my hand a little too much and now no one’s gonna show up, but I would like for my funeral to be some kind of elaborate, Saw-esque trap. Some of the bereaved won’t make it out alive, but the ones that do will go forward with a new appreciation for what it means to be alive, which is really what I want my legacy to be.
Riggs: Corn: Canned or Fresh?
Friesen: Fresh, bro. Every day for lunch, I get a wrap at this spot near my office, and every day I see a side dish in their cooler staring at me: Jalapeno Corn. It taunts me. I want it so bad, but I have never worked up the nerve to order it. I have fully convinced myself that the reality of Jalapeno Corn could never live up to what I’ve turned it into in my head, so I just get chips every day. I’m gonna get some today, I’ll get back to you with a full report.
Riggs: What is the thing (tv show, comedian, person etc.) that gave you the idea to start comedy?
Friesen: I am slightly ashamed to admit that I was really into Dave Berry as a kid. Based on what we’ve come to learn about both hosts, I’m also a little iffy about how into Loveline I was in high school. Dave Attell was the first stand up I remember seeing that made something in my brain change, but I never really even considered that comedy was something that I could actually do until I met (New York comedian) Ryan Beck in college.
Riggs: If you could have dinner with any historical figure, what would you suggest as an appetizer?
Friesen: Is ribeye an appetizer? If not, I’ll go with Mozzarella Sticks, or Chicken Satay if the historical figure in question is of an ethnicity that I want to impress with my worldliness.
Riggs: How many surgeries have you had?
Friesen: I had multiple eye surgeries as a very young child, which fixed some sight issues, but left me with a cross-eye. I’ve had an ingrown toenail cut out like 4 times, but just like the proverbial bad penny, it keeps coming back. Based on my life experience, I have no evidence that surgery isn’t a scam that, best case scenario, leaves you breaking even.
Riggs: What are your four favorite state capitals (lower 48)? Please don’t say why.
Friesen: I’ve taken “Lower 48” to mean “Lower 48% of the World’s Economies,” so…Djbouti, Ouagadougou, Antananarivo, and Ulaan Baatar.
Riggs: 5 words or less…explain religion.
Friesen: Are We All Just Jizz?
Riggs: What are you most proud of in the world?
Friesen: My calves are pretty boss. I’m pretty proud of some tweets I’ve written that have received no favorites nor retweets.
Riggs: Any final thoughts? (Although none of your words will be edited, do know that if you do not include nice words about me, I will add them in for you…fyi, my version of you will be very complimentary of me)
Friesen: Would you believe that my lunch spot was completely out of Jalapeno Corn today? It’s the damnedest thing. I’m going to take that as a sign from God that I was meant to keep Jalapeno Corn as a Platonic Ideal in my mind. Speaking of Platonic Ideals, how about that Matt Riggs. Pretty cool guy there. I could say all sorts of nice things about him, but I’m really curious about what he would insert, given the chance, so I am going to give him that opportunity: Nothing to add, cause you already said that I was a “Pretty cool guy there”