As a child, I would watch TV. I still do, but I think child TV watching is so much more influential than adult TV watching. I don’t mean porn when I say adult TV watching, I mean the watching of TV as an adult. Although sometimes as an adult watching TV, porn has been the program that I am watching, I don’t want you to think I’ve never watched porn. How embarrassing would that be? You reading the rest of this with the idea that I, Matt Riggs, has never watched hardcore, sometimes barely legal, sometimes VERY legal, sometimes interracial, sometimes POV, sometimes just ladies, sometimes a lady and a machine, sometimes a doctor who “hypnotizes” a lady and makes her do stuff, sometimes celebrities, sometimes people that are now probably dead porno…man, that would be embarrassing. Anyway, enjoy this interview with Greg Fitzsimmons!
Riggs: How are you?
Fitzsimmons: I am flirting with the darkness but have it at arm’s length
Riggs: If you could, how would you plan your own funeral?
Fitzsimmons: Irish all the way; service would have a lot of eulogies (funny) and then a lunch (spilling into dinner) where people drink a lot and tell embellished stories about how special I was. End with a commitment to an annual charity benefit comedy show for whatever horrible disease killed me.
Riggs: Corn: Canned or Fresh?
Fitzsimmons: Canned. Reminds me of the stuff my mom served us with mashed potatoes absorbing the excess sugary water.
Riggs: What is the thing (tv show, comedian, person etc.) that gave you the idea to start comedy?
Fitzsimmons: My father was a radio personality in NYC and I watched him emcee charity dinners and other events. He was hilarious and I never saw him happier. Seemed like magic and I wanted to figure out how to do it.
Riggs: If you could have dinner with any historical figure, what would you suggest as an appetizer?
Fitzsimmons: A bowl of Catsup with Ronald Reagan. When he complains I tell him to shut up- he’s the one who called it a vegetable.
Riggs: How many surgeries have you had?
Fitzsimmons: One. They fixed my shoulder last year. As a kid though I had roughly 4 miles of stitches everywhere from my knees, elbows and head down to my ass (where a German Shepard bit me while riding a motorcycle).
Riggs: What are your four favorite state capitals (lower 48)? Please don’t say why.
Fitzsimmons: Austen TX, Olympia WA, Nashua NH & whatever the capital of Florida is.
Riggs: 5 words or less…explain religion.
Fitzsimmons: How do I explain infinity?
Riggs: What are you most proud of in the world?
Fitzsimmons: My kids think I’m funny.
Riggs: Any final thoughts? (Although none of your words will be edited, do know that if you do not include nice words about me, I will add them in for you…fyi, my version of you will be very complimentary of me)
Fitzsimmons: I hope I can make this world a better place. That’s why I keep looking for the receipt. (Should I have just tweeted that? you handsome fella)