My name is J’Mel Davidson and I’ve seen every Episode of Entourage
I wasn’t really a fan and I wasn’t “hate watching” them
I don’t know why I did it. It was a strange time in my life
I also drank room temperature tequila by the bottle and dated some very suspect ladies
I’m Much better now
But That betterment comes with a working knowledge of the Entourage Universe
Not so much that I could put together a Grant Morrisonesque mini-series but sadly I can participate in a conversation while exhibiting real insight
And I know I’m not alone
I’m sure many of you have also stored Turtle and Drama Statistics in the dark recesses of your mind
So you already suspect/assume that the Entourage Motion Picture is just a longer episode where no one learns any lessons everyone gets what they want and random celebrity folk are all somehow aware of Vince Chase and his West Coast Avengers
This also means that you understand that there are no stakes
But I guess we’re all making Asses out of U and Me since no one ACTUALLY saw the film
It’s been out nearly a month and has only made a little over 43 Million world wide
Jurassic World’s TRAILER made that much last November
But, still, Why make a flick without any conflict or loss?
How can a movie where it’s obvious everything works out for everyone even have a third act?
That’s why I’ve created this outline
A quick list of ways our Perfect Entourage movie could exist
To give the Entourage film some actual Antagonists and struggles and life!
So gather around as I present to you my surefire ways to make Entourage into an actual movie with its own friends and credit cards and keys…
5) “Johnny Drama Rises”
Imagine that the film begins and since we’ve last seen the guys, Vince has been relegated to shot-on-digital straight-to-DVD religious movies while Drama has achieved a Mid-nineties Travolta styled rise in popularity after starring in a successful Sleeper Hit about a wisecracking pizza delivery man that gets bitten by a Black Vampire. White Blackula. Finally, Drama receives respect from the other guys in the ’Tourage and the balance of power shifts DRAMAtically (pun not intended, but still pretty sweet)
Leaving Vince in a difficult position which leads to…
4) “Vince gets a REAL drug problem”
We all know that Vince struggled with cocaine for three episodes, and they couldn’t even be bothered to dramatize THAT correctly. His brief addiction led to dating a porn star and, if I’m remembering correctly, losing the remote to the Roku…? PLEASE. This time, Vince is so torn between trying to seem supportive of Drama’s success and hiding his burning jealousy that he starts abusing NUKE. And since he hasn’t had a hit film or project in years, he stoops to stealing collectors item sneakers from Turtle and selling Diggler styled peeks at his junk for ten bucks a pop. And in an ironic twist Mark Wahlberg catches him during one of his sad bus station peep shows and forces him to entertain HIS Entourage. Full circle.
Upon coming to the startling realization that he really is more chauffeur than friend and more punchline than confidant Turtle decides that he too wants in on the world of Hollywood stardom. But everyone has to start somewhere so he ends up taking some acting classes. Before he realizes it though those classes end up costing Turtle one billion years worth of servitude to a “religious” “organization”. After his savings are all given to the ORG. In order to achieve enlightenment, he tries to sell his collectors item sneakers. But they’re all gone! In a harrowing second act sequence Turtle executes a thrilling daylight escape from Thought Jail. THIS would be an awesome chance for celebrity cameos: some attempting to escape with turtle while others are desperately trying to keep him from freedom. Now, to deal with Vince’s thievery and lies…
2) “Incredibly violent fight between Spiritually Manipulated Turtle and Drugged up Vinnie Chase That uses hammers and leaves Ari Gold dead.”
He can be a deplorable homophobe a terrible husband a half-assed father and only an OK agent but one thing Ari Gold is good at is– well, nothing really. So it’s no real loss when he tries and fails to break up Turtle and Vinnie’s bare knuckle brawl and is kicked to death. Perhaps this film should be in 3D.
1) “Diabolical spin on the usual Entourage Happy Ending”
What better way to actually put this film on the minds of real movie audiences than with a Shyamalan like twist or downer ending? We’re so used to this group of Teflon idiots waltzing through life problem free that a real cocked-up reckoning at zero hour would KILL.
For example,mi LOVE the Mist- but I love it because of the ending. Had our heroes rode off into the sunset, there’d be no reason to ever return to that world. It’d be just another monster movie. Same goes for Entourage. Having Andrew Dice Clay put on a blonde wig and murder the guys with a Garden Weasel or finding out that they were in Hell the entire time like the classic “A Nice Place to Visit” episode of the Twilight Zone (sorry. 55 year old Spoiler.) Then things would make a lot more sense, and perhaps the series would elicit some repeat viewings. Because as it stands, the boys and their ability to constantly fall ass-backward into money and women got boring really quick on HBO and no doubt is just as dull on the big screen. BUT if we realize in the film that they’re being punished and they go mad from the monotony of constant success– well, THAT’S a movie.
So, those are a few ways I’d make the Entourage flick a lot less ass-achingly dull.
Because the dream of limitless success is not nearly as interesting as the dream of actual film plotting.
(I resisted the urge to throw in an “Oh YEAH!” In here as homage to the Theme song. I’m sure 3 out of every four things you’ll read about this movie will include that. You’re welcome.)
Hello Internet! My name is J'Mel
I'm a sexxy brown southern writer with an affinity for B- Horror flicks and Middle Aged redheads
I hope we can all be friends
If interested You can read more of my ranting at