Hacked Nude Celebrity Photos for Dummies

Kari TervoOpinion, TechLeave a Comment

by Kari Tervo

You and I both understand that looking at the hacked nude celebrity photos is wrong. We both understand that it is a sexual violation. We can see that it is a reflection of a misogynistic idea that men somehow, physically and/or visually, have ownership over women’s bodies. That this idea is itself reflected in rape, street harassment, sexual harassment, and internet stalking. We know that. Because we are smart people. But, unfortunately,  stupid people are allowed on the internet. And it is a stupid person or people who stole those photos, and it is stupid people who view and distribute them.

As actress Gabrielle Union so eloquently described in a statement released today, “I can’t help but to be reminded that, since the dawn of time, women and children, specifically women of color, have been victimized, and the power over their own bodies taken from them. These atrocities continue against women and children continue worldwide…We have done nothing wrong.”

See, to me and you, what she said makes sense. It’s pretty easy: If there’s no sexual consent, then it’s a sexual violation. To me and you, that’s a pretty heinous thing. But there are some people out there who aren’t so smart, and they can’t see that. They are like little boys, obsessed with boobies and unable to see beyond their own egotistical needs.

Not a hacked photo of Jennifer Lawrence (but borrowed from eonline.com).

Not a hacked photo of Jennifer Lawrence (but borrowed from eonline.com).

Based on their behavior and obsession with boobies, I’m going to assume the people who stole and viewed those photos are stupid little boys. So let me address them in some simple language their brains can understand. It is entitled:

DON’T LOOK AT THE STOLEN NAKED CELEBRITY PHOTOS, YOU MORON

And it goes a little something like this:

The boobies were pretty
They made everyone squeal
Some people who had them
Said, “They’re fantastic! They’re real!”

Some men got to touch them
To you, they looked like kings
And you began to believe
Some disturbing somethings

Like women shouldn’t leave
The grasp of your gaze
And they should achieve
Their worth by your praise

Then, some celebrity photos were hacked
They were stolen from clouds
By foul boys in black hats
Yet you thought to yourself, “I would like to see that!”

You were so excited
The boobies were a cure
If you just could see some boobies
We’d see you’re awesome for sure!

And so good and so cool
And so fab and so rad
But your lust for those boobies
Shows you’re just really sad

You don’t get those dates
You feel like you’ve been had
Like you deserve boobies
You’re not just some cad!

You think you own boobs
Or you’re entitled to screw
The women who won’t give them
Are just nasty shrews!

You’re so angry and hurt
But it’s that arrogant smirk
Nobody gets “friend zoned”
You sad little irk

It’s your sexism! Ageism! Misogyny galore!
Saying that people with boobies are whores!

You think stealing the sexy makes you the mack
So you seek celeb photos illegally hacked
You think you’ll feel better
If you jerk off and talk smack?

Son, you don’t know jack
Who would want that?
Who wants your back?
Sex violation is wack!

I know you’re a dude
I know you want boobs
Stewing there,
An undersexed rube in your cube

But women are people
Not objects, not nudes
Sex violation
Is illegal, you crude!

So keep your ween in your pants
Til she consents to the dance
Store it right in your drawers
Control yourself; it’s your chore
And remember that a celebrity’s boobies
AREN’T YOURS!

I’m assuming everyone’s clear now: Looking at or distributing the hacked celebrity photos is a sexual violation. I don’t think you need  to be a genius to understand that.

Kari Tervo enjoys pop culture as a universal language. Sorry, Esperanto and the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department: Bieber wins. She’s not sure if she’s supposed to be writing about herself in the first or third person right now, so she’s going to act like someone does this kind of work for her. Why ruin the mystique?

Kari reviews zines for Pop Culture Beast in her regular column, Blog Zine. She also provides pop culture opinion and analysis about whatever she gets the urge to write about.

Kari TervoHacked Nude Celebrity Photos for Dummies