The Perfect Time for New Year’s Resolutions

Justin RemerComedy, OpinionLeave a Comment

new year's resolutions

This is the poster for Garry Marshall’s 2011 film, New Year’s Eve, for some damn reason.

When exactly does one begin enacting their New Year’s resolutions? Here’s a handy guide for use this — and every — year.

January first doesn’t work. It’s too played-out. We’re so used to turning a page when the year begins that we pre-load it with expectations. Expectations that we can’t fulfill. Let’s take New Year’s resolutions out of the realm of routine and ritual. Let’s actually do them this year.

January fifth seems like a good starting point. Random. No specific cultural connotations. Except that this year, the fifth landed on a Friday. Nobody wants to start buckling down and changing their life on Friday. That’s purely a Tuesday through Thursday kind of thing. You see, Monday is also out because the week is really clearing its throat on Monday. You’ve got more important things to focus on — all the shit that you fucked-up and forgot on the weekend. That’s for Monday.

January ninth could work, but most folks you know are probably starting to cave on their resolutions on that day. And you need to support them, not be wrapped up in your own selfish nonsense.

January seventeenth is perfect. The only problem is, well, now you have gotten back into your groove, post-holidays. Do you really want to throw a monkey wrench into that?

January twenty-third isn’t bad, but the gym is probably overcrowded with people stressed out about getting full use of out of their trial month. Because, let’s face it. Your resolution is going to the gym. You will go to the gym, but the gym will not go anywhere. We can definitely push this. It’ll get less crowded soon.

Still struggling with your New Year’s Resolution? Keep reading.

January thirty-first is a no-go, because who wants to start something right at the end of something else?

new year's resolutions

Stock up early.

The first half of February is a wash. The whole culture will have you stressing out about Valentine’s Day, whether or not you’re in a relationship, and whether or not it’s cool to purchase and devour a heart-shaped Whitman’s Sampler every third day.

This would make the second half of February seem like an excellent time to start on those resolutions. But you’ve forgotten something, haven’t you? What? What could it be? African-American History, that’s what. Have you watched Roots yet? Of course you haven’t; you haven’t even started The Wire. And then you must watch the remake of Roots to see how it compares. And then you must go back and watch The Next Generations. No, I do not mean Star Trek. Are you even serious about changing your life?

How about March sixth for Resolution Day? Love it, right? Seems like the obvious choice. Wrong! You see, it’s 2018. And, in America, March sixth would be written as 3/6/18. Elsewhere, it might be 6/3/18. Either way that’s a math equation. Three times six — or six times three! — equals eighteen. I have no idea what that means, but it seems very foreboding.

Wow, it feels like you’ll never start these New Year’s resolutions. You’ll never settle on a day and instead you’ll just keep finding excuses until next year rolls around (if you are lucky enough to have a next year). Not so. The correct day is March twenty-eighth. That’s when one should start their New Year’s resolutions. There’s just enough of a window between the vernal equinox and the tax deadline that you can really start to buckle down.

More Pop Culture Beast — Happy New Year:
*New Year’s Evil Blu-ray review
*Queen & Adam Lambert – Live in London, New Year’s Eve 2014

(Visited 116 times, 1 visits today)
Justin RemerThe Perfect Time for New Year’s Resolutions